πŸ‘‰ DrSmashlove πŸ‘Œ drsmashlove

Unlicensed Gynecologist 🌷 Memes + musings on life, love + smashing πŸ‘« Please DM for pic credit! πŸ“Έ Chicago πŸŒƒ Syria relief - click link ❀

TOTAL POSTS 1876 FOLLOWERS 281549 FOLLOWING 95
Bruh. Why every hotel and resort - even nice ones - give u that lil ass bar of dry ass soap, and the lotion that don't even moisturize u? Shit feel good for 11 seconds, then u dry again. It's like catfish lotion - just when u think u nice and creamy it's like "nah bish, YOU THOUGHT. Squeeze another lil ass bottle of lotion on u, see if that'll do it ☺️." See, hell nah. If I ran a hotel, everybody get a big ass bar of Dove extra moisturizing soap, and a tub of cocoa butter. Not a bottle, a tub. Crack the seal on dat bish, dip your hand in it, and slather yourself silly. Or for $20 extra, a Filipino maid (who's not ugly but she's not cute either like she's 51 years old and u can see she use to be cute but the stress of having four kids and 11 grandkids done wore on her) will pop up and slather u down with cocoa butter skrate down to betwixt the butt cheeks and then enrobe u in a silk bathrobe so u feel soft, sexy and special AF. And then u just like "Thank you Analyn, that non-sexual lotion rub-down was incredible. I know this service at Chateau du Smash costs 20 bucks but here's 50. Or as y'all say in the Philippines, 'Pippty' ☺️." RITZ CARLTON I'M COMING FOR YALL - KEEP FUCKING AROUND AND NOT MAKING ME FEEL SOFT AND SENSUAL AND IMMA OPEN MY OWN HOTEL CHAIN. I ALREADY NAMED IT. YA CLOCK IS TICKING. FIX DIS SHIT. πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚ [Editor's Note: A Filipino follower (justifiably) asked if I have something against Filipinos. Let me say this πŸ’― percent straight up: I love Filipinos with all my heart. I grew up with some Filipinos homies and feel like they blood. I honestly try to keep it light hearted but I could see how it might look like I'm singling them out. Please forgive me! I love all people and I will make sure to portray Filipinos in a more positive light in the future. Bless up! ❀]
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16428 | 274 | 4 hours ago
See Bruh it's two type of ladies at the gym lemme splain u. The first type of woman is dainty. Put-together. She got them yoga tights on but not them cheap joints from Target where the fabric don't breathe so it make yo Punani smell aggressively (side note: I love this smell 😍), but rather them sheer cutout Lululemon joints that cost so much that it's ok to wear them to fancy restaurants. And she got her hair up and her Apple ear pods in and she doing them Instagram workouts. U know wtf I mean. Them shits where she puts the strap around her ankle and do reverse leg raises on the 10 pound setting and it look sexy AF but you're not quite sure if this is actually exercising anything or if she just trying to look sexy. If u this type I got love for u and u sexy but lemme splain the second type. Second type give no fucks. She wearing a cut-off "Bill's Roadhouse Bar" t shirt because she used to work there and the manager used to try to bang her but she declined but she accepted the free t shirts. She got tats up and down her arms because her pain tolerance astronomical. No make-up. She ain't trying to impress u. She don't give a fuck about u. She's there to dump an entire bucket of sweat to knock the stress of single life and tinder fuckboys off her conscience. She squatting more than u - she could fold a penny in half with her ass cheeks and then projectile fart that folded penny into your face and leave a permanent scar and then when people ask u why u got that scar u gotta make up a elaborate lie because u can't tell the truth which is that a bad ass woman farted a folded piece of metal shrapnel directly into yo grill. U feel me? Now all I'm saying is, it's no right answer here. Whatever type u are, do yo thang. But if u type 2, let's be friends, ma. Let me make random banter with u so I can determine if u gay, bi, or just a extremely bad ass straight bish. Let me flirt in a respectful way. Let's eventually grab lunch at Panera after the gym - I recommend the flatbreads πŸ€—. And let me spot u while u squat. But don't fart a penny into me! Might hit my ballsac and neuter me and I'm tryina eventually have chirren witchoe fine ass #LehGo πŸ˜πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚
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37147 | 733 | 12 hours ago
(@tinderonians) People: "If I were a super hero, I'd be Superman." "I'd be Batman." "I'd be Silver Surfer." Me: "I'd be Cap'n Save-A-Pup. It's like Cap'n Save-A-Hoe except I'm saving puppies, not Hoes. Side note: I think 'hoe' is a non-sensical, patriarchal construct intended to degrade women who desire to exert control over their sexual choices." People: "Why you always gotta do this..." Me: πŸ€—πŸ€—πŸ€—πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚
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26246 | 522 | 17 hours ago
This is every girl u meet in a bar in Chicago Bruh: "Well.........I'm an eighth Serbian, an eighth Macedonian, an eighth Albanian, an eight Bosnian..." BIH. STOP TRYINA BE EXOTIC. ALL THESE COUNTRIES USE TO BE YUGOSLAVIA. I BEEN TO ALL YALL HOUSES. YALL EAT Δ†evapi FOR DINNER AND Baklava FOR DESSERT. "I'm mixed ☺️." BIH. IF ALL OF YOUR ANCESTRY HAILS FROM A 75 MILE RADIUS U AINT MIXED. U HOMOGENEOUS AF, STOP LION 🦁 #FineAFtho #SovietSexytime #LetsHaveSeveralChirren #YouCanNameThemRuslanAndVladimir #MyBodyIsReadyAF πŸ˜πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚
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29872 | 885 | 1 day ago
(@the_mermaid_lagoon) When u with the squad and your friend starts telling a juicy story but they weren't even there and they telling the story wrong AF and making it sound hella not even interesting so u just gotta grab the mic like "UM - NO SWEETIE - WHAT HAD REALLY HAPPEN WUH" πŸ˜©πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚
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29411 | 454 | 1 day ago
See Bruh a lot of people throw around this concept that "I'm broken", "she's broken", "he's hopeless - he's broken." That someone has either experienced something, or has some characteristic, that disqualifies them as a properly-functioning human. Listen to me: we don't abide this. Never. This is not how God made us - so that someone can scratch us and it ruins us forever. We reject this. Everyone - I don't care who - EVERYONE - is capable of redemption. Everyone is capable of salvation. Everyone is capable of the ecstasy of tasting the Divine. Like Kirk Franklin said on Kanye's 'Ultralight Beam': "You can never go too far - when you can't come back home again!" This is the truth I believe in. Whatever you've been thru - nicked, scratched, cut deep, wounded, maybe you really been thru it and lost a limb - all of it is part of your fabric but it doesn't define you. Don't ever let yourself be reduced to a painful moment. Your spirit is so much more beautiful. You are not broken. You are perfect. There is so much more in store for you. You get me? More blessings, more spirituality, more Divinity in our hearts - don't get hung up on organized religion - seek the Truth with sincerity and it will pour forth. Do you get me! Bless up ❀
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42372 | 1443 | 1 day ago
Ladies it don't matter what u look like. Curvy or petite. Tall or short. Supermodel or homely-looking. If u rocking fish nets u gon set yo man on fire. Real talk I used to talk to this south side Irish girl who was the most plain Jane woman you've ever seen. Type to rock a Notre Dame sweatshirt, jeans and Nikes every time we hung out just literally no frills. But every, damn time I seen her, fishnets under her outfit - sometimes black thigh hi's - sometimes green arm nets - one time a cot damn purple fish net body suit. Shit made my head explode Bruh πŸ˜‚. She never wore heels, she never wore short skirts, on the outside she was "Mary Margaret McWilliams of Williamsburg" and after the clothes came off she was "Mizz Red / πŸ“πŸ’ƒπŸ» / NYC / Miami / email for bookings: pedromartinez1983@latindevilpromotions.com". U feel me? Good girl in the streets, unrestrained freak in the sheets. Get like Mary Margaret ladies trust me yo man gon thank you πŸ˜πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚
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62788 | 3797 | 2 days ago
Emma Watson if u don't bring yo freckly ass, plain Jane lookin ass, nerdy cute "maybe she'll be sexy when she get to college" lookin ass, adorable barista at Starbucks with the braid under the Starbucks cap, do u want caramel drizzle on your drink lookin ass, maybe I should get her number nah she'll be here next week lookin ass, exactly one (1) handful of titties, no ass but she carry not having a ass extremely well lookin ass, big brown eyes like Lindt chocolates lookin ass, marry me and let's have 32 chirren lookin ass, lemme spend forever witchoe ass and be the beast to your beauty I mean I'm not a beast I'm more like Gaston but unlike Gaston I'm actually literate so u should choose me lookin ass, leh go...my body is ready...for yo perfect ass #soulmate #ThisIsHowIWriteLoveLetters #smfh πŸ˜πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚
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26010 | 371 | 2 days ago
See Bruh I get a lot of comments like "OMG SMASH YOU'RE HILARIOUS", "smash LOLOL!", "smash let me bear your chirren - I'm from Minnesota, which means I got good, strong Viking genes" etc etc. Bruh. I'm not funny at all. Y'all inspire me and I just talk my shit. Let me give u an example if u don't believe me. Yesterday on my caption about Depends adult diapers one of my female followers said "you don't need new underwear, smash! you can just turn the dirty ones inside out!" Bruh. As if that makes them clean...Like u turn a pair of drawls inside out and all the sweat, traces of bodily fluid, etc etc just magically get cleansed by an in-air molecular mixture of Tide and Bounce softener sheets and now them bitches brand new...I can't with u ladies πŸ˜‚. This right here is the difference between men and women. Y'all have this maternal cave woman survival instinct. This is why if some Walking Dead zombie shit happens, imma find the colony of women (just like the Walking Dead show) because y'all gonna be surviving at all cost. Like I show up at the female colony and I'm like "I'm thirsty - please - do you have water 😩" and two blonds with they hair braided brandishing machine guns are like "DRINK THIS PISS, FAGGOT" and I'm like "piss...*gulping*...isn't...water" and then one of them cracks me upside the jaw with the butt of a machine gun and is like "DRINK!!" And I get half a boner from getting cracked by a woman (not a full one because I'm medically dehydrated) and I drink the piss and I'm like "you ladies saved my life. Thank you. One more thing. Can I wash my clothes here." And the blond who just cracked me is like "LAUNDRY? FUCK THAT. TURN YOUR FUCKING CLOTHES INSIDE OUT THAT'LL CLEAN EM." #ok πŸ˜©πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚
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43323 | 531 | 2 days ago
(@vodkalana) Is it just me or do this pup look like: Jimena, age 27, dental hygienist, lives in San Diego, lost 75 pounds, has 75 to go, has an IG account containing mainly selfies, most of which contain either the Snapchat puppy filter or the yellow face mask filter, occasionally posts a pic "looking back at it" for her 900 or so thirsty followers she's never met but who leave sexually aggressive comments / marital proposals faithfully on a daily basis #GoHeadJimena #iSeeYouGettingThemSquatsIn #SheddingThatBabyWeight #ComeLemmeGiveYouAnotherBaby #ImFertileAsATurtle #AndReadyToSquirtle πŸ˜πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚
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34632 | 817 | 3 days ago
These pups tho: when u and Bae have spent 48 hours locked into an all-out war going absolutely nuclear, saying things u can never take back, baiting the other person, bringing up old shit, decimating their mind/body/soul/happiness and just generally doing the most but then it clicks that you'll never find anyone who understands your crazy like they do and plus the sex is outstanding so y'all engage in vigorous, passionate, emotional make-up sex before showering and retreating to bed for a good snooze #situationships #InItForTheLongHaul #NiceEveryThreeMonthActivity #ClearsTheMindAndSoul #AndTheSinuses πŸ˜ŠπŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚ ( pic: @the_blueboys )
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36554 | 766 | 3 days ago
Not a lot of y'all like "could smash's stories be true", "he gotta be making this shit up", "no way his life is really like this". Well the problem is sometimes I don't go into the details on some truly embarrassing stories so y'all only think my life is foot loose and fancy free. Aw hella nah. With that said let me tell y'all a story I never told before. So one time I'm at a bar in Bucktown Bruh and I meet this gyal and we hit it off and we Uber back to her crib in Rogers Park (she was a researcher at Loyola University) way TF in the north part of the city damn near to Evanston so she could walk her doggo before the end of the night. Now mind u I'm a planner. I'm spontaneous but I like to be at least somewhat responsible. But I'm also always up for an adventure so we go there talk all night do our lil thang etc etc bottom line I crash there. Now at 8 am I get a calendar reminder that I got a breakfast meeting back downtown at 8 am with a dude trying to sell the 50% of a successful consulting business he owns. I got one hour. Not nearly enuf time to head home shower change and be on time. Now one thing about smash is, I can't start a day without coffee, a shower, and some fresh draws and socks. Ain't happening. I mean - I can. But my chakras ain't aligned. My fong shway off AF. U feel me? So I noticed homegirl is two blocks away from a Walgreens and I sprint there and frantically ask if they got socks and undies. Nah. But they do got medical diabetic socks and Depends "athletic fit" adults padded cloth underwear Huggies that pull up to your belly button. At that moment dear followers smash had a quandary. Am I really bout this life? Am I gonna put pride 2 the side and be a 75 year old for breakfast? What if my pants catch on fire and I have to strip them off and the whole restaurant sees I'm wearing diapers and diabetic socks? So anyway after a successful breakfast meeting I strolled around the city freshly showered and belly full donning my Huggies and over-the-knee diabetic socks and I had a realization: don't fear old age. Being 75 is low key cozy AF 😩 #BasedOnATrueStory #OrNot #AsAlwaysImmaLetTheReadersDecide πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚
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41289 | 719 | 3 days ago
So this morning on the stairmaster I watched the Black Mirror episode where the robot bees go and attack people. But that wasn't the highlight of the show. The highlight of the show was Kelly Macdonald's fine ass with that Scottish accent so thick that it sound like she speaking a foreign language. Bruh - real talk - there is nothing sexier than a Scottish woman going ape shit in Scottish. My new goal is to have a Scottish woman who berates and belittles me 24-7 in that sexy ass accent. Like I start telling her how my day was and she just like "Haud yer wheesht! Yer bum’s oot the windae ye witless fucking cocksplat!" And I'm just like "okay baby 😐." Or like I'm making sweet love to her and she just like "why don't ye stick it in me bum ye weaselhead numpty!" Real talk Scottish is not English and I need a good Scottish lass to patiently teach smash to talk shit in Scottish because it's the greatest language of all time. Kelly Macdonald let's have chirren. My body is ready πŸ˜πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚
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50878 | 686 | 4 days ago
(@thenewsclan) Bottom two pics: me making my mind up about a poor decision and then charging into it with all of my might without regard for the fallout #SomePeopleAreCalculatingAndDeliberate #SomePeopleHaveNoSense #iHappenToBeTheLatter β˜ΊοΈπŸ˜’πŸ˜πŸ™‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚
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42226 | 444 | 4 days ago
(@hoegivesnofucks) When u promised yourself u wouldn't reply to him ever again and then he text u and u reply with "Hey you!!" in 0.00083 seconds only for him to leave u on Read AF #DevilWorkingOverTime #BlockHim #NoGoodCanComeFromHim #OnlyRuinedEmotionsCreditAndCervix πŸ˜©πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚
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47862 | 778 | 5 days ago
Say Bruh shout to u ladies that's the mother goose of your squad, u know who the fuck yall are. U make the plan. Start the group chat. Keep the plan on track. Got all your friends' birthdays mapped so y'all can all go out for sushi at Sunda and split the tab except for the birthday girl and then go to the Hange Uppe for some drunk dancing so y'all can Snapchat the festivities until 2 am when Mandy the birthday girl is wearing the University of Wisconsin Badgers cap of a total stranger so u take a pic with the overtext "OMG MANDY IS SCHWASTY LOL" and then the next afternoon Mandy posts a heartfelt Facebook post about Samantha the mother goose who orchestrated another ameeeeezing birthday. Now what's crazy is that Mandy's sloppy ass gon get married before u, mother goose. And even Mandy won't believe it. She'll be at the wedding like "And to Samantha - the fucking BEST FRIEND EVER" (everyone applauds the best friend ever and nods in agreement) "I DON'T KNOW HOW MY ASS ENDED UP IN A WEDDING DRESS BUT YOU'RE FUCKING NEXT BABE WOOOO!!!!" Samantha - mother goose - I hate to tell u - u ain't next πŸ˜‚. U gon be last. As fuck. Because that's how the world works! Shit don't happen on your timeline, mother goose. Even tho u the most motherly, wifely woman in the squad, your time ain't come yet. Same way people don't get pregnant when they wanna get pregnant. Like they timing the ovulation and taking they temperature and having intense pregnancy sex every other day and fly to Italy to get all romantic and they like "let's do this, baby! let's make a baby!" And they try for years. But Julio pounding Consuela in the back of a 2003 Lincoln Town Car limo whilst wearing a tuxedo with black Jordan's? Oh they gon have twins in nine months. Marco and Adriano. And they gon be wearing matching baby Jordan's. Because the blessings come down when u ain't expecting. U feel me? There there, mother goose. Your Prince Charming is on the way, jus wait on it! More life more blessings more twins more babies more success in 2017 ya get me! Bless up πŸ˜πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚
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44993 | 1265 | 5 days ago
"Oh word? You got promoted to VP after only three years on the job? And you weren't even really serious about it, like you're just coasting, racking up these bonuses? Lol wow nah that's amazing. You killing it baby girl that's mad impressive, I feel that. And you paint too? Wow. Artsy. Nah that's hella dope. Yeah I peeped the Morton's Salt tattoo on your thigh - probably a reference to an obscure Bon Iver song - and I was like 'corporate but artistic' - I fucks with that wave. Nah but real quick - could I keep it πŸ’― with you for a sec? Baby girl. U got like a whole tablespoon of tabouleh in your teeth. Yeah. Like the whole shit, yeah. Parsley, errythang. I know right lol that shit sticky. Real sticky. And it's finely diced. It was like, made for teeth lmao. Yeah I mean I'm just not that type of dude to walk around with a girl with an entire Arabian salad stuck in their grill and not tell her LOL. Aight bet. Yeah U could go rinse out, no worries. Let's not make it awkward, I'm just not tryina taste dinner again when I kiss you later 😍." #BoneAppTheTeeth πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚
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33448 | 757 | 6 days ago
Now a lot of u men like "aye smash I think I'm giving my girl that good dick but how do I know". There's a lot of ways to tell. Do she sext u when she drunk? That mean u doing it right. Do she scream in tongues like she possessed by the devil when u hit it? Then u doing it right. Do she stalk u? Then u definitely doing it right πŸ˜€. But there is an easier test I like to call the TupperWare Test. The TupperWare Test is simple Bruh. If she just show up and hand u that TupperWare with two dozen soft, chewy chocolate chip salted caramel cookies like "hey, I baked - so I thought you'd like these", nah. Hell nah. This wasn't an afterthought. She baked FOR YOU Bruh. She reminisced on getting that good dick and said "this man has delivered that good dick so imma deliver some baked goods." This dates back to the caveman, as I quote from Sir Richard Hamilton's seminal book on the caveman, "The Way of the Cave Human" from 1853 and I quote: "After the caveman doth administered a robust bout of sexual intercourse with his cave maiden whereupon she hath released an abundance of vaginal secretions and abandoned her senses to the point where she hath grunted to the caveman that he hath penetrated her so thoroughly that he hath become her father when indeed he were only her husband, the caveman retired to the forest to select a deer upon which to dine with his cave family, and, upon his return to the cave, discovered that his cave maiden hath baked him a dozen wheat biscuits sweetened with wildflower nectar upon a homemade hearth she had fashioned from a hollow stone and fire." <-- I just made this up lol but the point is that since time immemorial, if u give her that good dick Bruh she gon bake for u. So THAT'S how u know u hit it right. Ya get me! Bless up πŸ˜πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚
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53203 | 2002 | 1 week ago
(@cringeytattoos) Me: "Ayeee baby ain't u got a flight to catch?" Her: "I cancelled it. Thought maybe I'd give Chicago a try 😘." Me: "Oh...yes! Haha...Amazing! You're gonna love it! I've been...meaning to tell you, though. My firm asked me to move to the Siberia office - I leave next week πŸ˜–." Her: "So your firm has an office in Siberia." Me: "They will...next week! I'm gonna manage the office. I prayed to God for his guidance on this decision, and he spoke to me and said --" Her: "OK. I'll pack my things." Me: "BABY WHY IT GOTTA BE LIKE THAT..." πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚
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38584 | 441 | 1 week ago
(@1foxybitch) Corgis are proof that you can be unproportional AF and still be cute #GoHeadWitchallBigAssEars #AndTinyLegs #YouCompleteMe πŸ˜πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚
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35763 | 855 | 1 week ago
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