πŸ‘‰ DrSmashlove πŸ‘Œ drsmashlove

Unlicensed Gynecologist 🌷 Memes + musings on life, love + smashing πŸ‘« Please DM for pic credit! πŸ“Έ Chicago πŸŒƒ Syria relief - click link ❀

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So my homegirl was texting a dude from tinder. He said some shit that made her rethink whether or not she liked him and cancelled plans. Homeboy sent a bunch of nasty texts ending with "MAYBE YOU SHOULD PUT YOUR REAL AGE ON YOUR PROFILE. AND CHILL WITH ALL THE MAKE-UP." A couple observations. (1) Lemme get this straight. U men wanna text a bunch of girls u met online, waste their time, never link up, but if a girl wanna cancel plans, which is her God damn right, u wanna get tight about it. Ok πŸ€”. (2) What do y'all think is accomplished with these rants? Like is it suppose to make her change her mind? "You know what, thank you. I am indeed old. And, by golly, I wear excessive amounts of make-up. Maybe you can teach me to be a better human, Mike. I'd like to retract the cancellation. Let's meet at 8 pm. Perhaps you can impart further wisdom upon me." HELL TO THE FVCK NAH πŸ˜‚. She gon screen shot your crazy ass and share it with her homegirls, along with pics of your small PP having ass. With that said, be respectful. First, because it make u a good human. Second - and this is what u may not realize - u actually have a second shot. Check back in four months. By then, she deleted u. Hit her on a Saturday night like "yo! U out? :)" And she like "lol new phone sorry!! Who's this?" And u say "it's Mike. We met on tinder a few months ago but never got around to linking up πŸ™ƒ". She'll wait exactly two mins and 45 seconds and then say "ah. I forgot what you look like 😬 can u send a pic". DO NOT SEND A PIC FROM YOUR PROFILE. Send the best pic u have that's chill and doesn't imply douchebaggery. If your lil sister is cute, send a pic with her. She be like "aye he has a sister. Dudes with sisters can't be serial killers(?) I shaved the Punani and Bill bailed on me - fuck it, let's give 'Stranger Mike' a shot". (U will be know to all her friends as 'Stranger Mike' FYI. Like you'll come out to the living room in boxer briefs and her roommate Alyssa will be like 'Stranger Mike what's up STRANGER ol stranger-danger lookin ass 😝'. You'll even be 'Stranger Mike' at the wedding. And now u in a good marriage BECAUSE U KEPT IT G, MIKE. BLESS UP πŸ™Œ
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2243 | 55 | 1 hour ago
(@barrysbanterbus) Chancellor Cherrius McChocolatelicious the 10th of Lausanne πŸ˜πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚
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13592 | 550 | 59 minutes ago
So Linda Sarsour (@lsarsour) is one of the co-organizers of the March on Washington this past weekend, which was by all measures a resounding success. The New York Times affectionately calls her "A Brooklyn Homegirl in a Hijab". She is one of the leading social justice figures in the world, an advocate of women's rights, a fighter against racial profiling, and has raised money for black churches that burned down in Charleston SC. She's a fucking modern day Superwoman. So of course the extreme right wing (or as I simply call them, "The Poopyheads") are trying to affiliate her with terrorism. Let's fight back. Please use the hash tag #iMarchWithLinda as a way to let The Poopyheads know that in 2017, we won't let our fight get muffled on account of guilt by association. You fvck with Linda, you fvck with all of us, ya get me! Bless up β€πŸ™Œ
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40391 | 951 | 20 hours ago
(@djgritz1) Bout to cry some manly-ass tears...CAN A BROTHER GET SOME CLARITIN IN HERE *Key and Peele voice* πŸ˜…πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚
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45211 | 953 | 1 day ago
U ladies who wanna start kissing me and bite my lower lip - hard - like it's a Sour Patch Kid? Y'all savage lol. Where did this come from. Who taught u this. Who is this man walking around telling you to chew on my bottom lip. Baby girl I got work tomorrow, damn πŸ˜‚. You gon make me walk in looking like I got a sore, people finna be like "aye since when smash got the HerpΓ¨, wow, he a dirty birdy (apparently)..." Another thing is scratching. One girl clawed my back so damn hard Bruh it bled thru my white dress shirt, shit looked like I copulated with wolverine. My Chinese dry cleaning lady - who treat me like a son and give me shit every time I gotta explain my stains - Bruh she had a field day: "I SEE SOMEBODY HAVE GOOD WEEK END. I CHARGE YOU EXTRA TWO DOLLA FOR BLOOD STAIN. NOT READY UNTIL MONGDAY. NOW YOU GO. FIND GOOD GIRL, NOT ATTACK YOU TRY TO KILL YOU πŸ˜‚." Now look, I like it when y'all wanna be a lil rough back. My body can take the physical ass whuppin. All I'm saying is warn a brother πŸ€—. Ya get me! Bless up πŸ˜πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚
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51852 | 1177 | 1 day ago
See Bruh if imma date a girl, she gotta have perfect, shapely, defined six pack abs. She also gotta have a beautiful penis for me to play with. JUST KIDDING! πŸ˜‚ For fvck sake ladies let me be the one with the abs and the PP. Your belly? I'm not worried about it. Things I worry about: (1) Whether God gonna forgive me for being a sh*thead πŸ€—. (2) Whether Trump gonna make a damn Muslim registry and take us back to Germany of the 1930s. (3) The fact that bees are dying at an alarming rate (I eat a lot of honey - I can't go back to sugar, Bruh πŸ˜”.) Things I ain't worried about: if a girl got a soft, lovely belly. Who made this a thing, Bruh? Like who said women gotta have abs? Probably the same person who invented anal bleaching, and contouring (that person is likely a male, and owns a Make America Great Again cap πŸΈβ˜•οΈ.) Fvck a ideal of beauty. I don't ascribe to what the media says is beautiful. I consult my PP and my PP makes a scientific determination as to whether or not we should have chirren with this individual and if so, bombs away. U feel me? Bottom line lemme rub that belly. Lemme kiss that belly. Let me have conversations with that belly "aye belly look imma give you a warm, creamy bath soon but imma be back with a wet towel, u be aight 😘" or "aye belly when yo mama have my chirren it's gon stretch u out, but I don't mind stretch marks - the same dude who said those aren't ok invented anal bleaching, he a asshole anyway 😘". U feel me? Be the healthiest and most active U can be, but love your belly. All bellies are beautiful. U feel me? No bellies left behind. Bless up πŸ˜πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚
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38556 | 747 | 1 day ago
(@dizzle_saint_james) Ayeeeee turkey bacon doe πŸ˜… #CantDineOnSwine #NoPorkOnMyFork #iGoHamOnThePunaniTho 🐷 πŸ˜πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚
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55129 | 1017 | 2 days ago
I shall call him Brice Blueberrius McFoxyfloof the 16th of Port Glasgow πŸ˜πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚
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33279 | 498 | 2 days ago
I mean the pupper is cute AF but where the mama at? Tatted up, blue hair, blue nails to match the hair?! Where u at. Come start a family with me Ma. I want u as my trophy. Let me take u to corporate functions, fundraisers and galas wearing a Vivienne Westwood couture gown with your tats all showing and just have people looking hella bewildered like "Wow well sheesh Bob did you meet Smash's lady she's quite the WHEW! If you know what I mean" <-- that's how old corporate people talk πŸ€—. And then I could just pop in like "we met on the internet, I liked how her hair matched her nails, we having chirren now πŸ’…" #goals πŸ’‘πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚
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40081 | 403 | 2 days ago
See Bruh u ladies think I tie u up because I'm kinky ... Nahhhhhh ... I tie yall up so u can't go anywhere ☺️ #FiftyShadesOfItAintTimeForBrunchYet #YouGonEarnThemChickenAndWaffles #NowThrowItBack #AndLetsFuckUpTheSheetsSomeMoe πŸ˜πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚
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27493 | 539 | 3 days ago
(@tinderonians) When u realize that u can't move for three hours while lil man sleeping and u start debating whether it was worth it to stay in and not pull out πŸ’¦ #AlwaysWorthIt #YOLOallInThePunani #LikeTheWeekndSaid #iFeelItComing #iFeelItComingBabe #LetsHaveChirren πŸ‘ΆπŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚
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44472 | 764 | 3 days ago
Ladies why do y'all text me like "hey what are you wearing tonight just curious". Nah. Hell nah. Don't u know my idol is Richard Gere in Pretty Woman? Imma meet u at the sushi joint in a suit. You should wear ripped jeans, short ass jean shorts, whatever comfortable and a lil trashy dammit just feel sexy. A couple ain't gotta match. It look sexy and spontaneous when a couple unmatchy AF. Be my Julia Roberts, u feel me? I'm not old enuf to be a sugar daddy yet but I love it when I'm out and people give me strange looks. "Wow, what's the story, why is he so dressed up, this doesn't make sense." I like to confuse and confound the people-watchers - they gon make up a story anyway so let me have fun with it πŸ€—. Bottom line: if your man wear a Kangol hat turned backward, a pencil beard, an Insane Clown Posse t shirt and Ed Hardy jeans, are you gonna wear -- WAIT - THAT WAS A TRICK QUESTION - IN NO CIRCUMSTANCES SHOULD U DATE MEN WHO DRESS LIKE THIS πŸ˜‚ - IF U DO, U HAVE MADE VERY BAD DECISIONS IN LIFE AND NEED TO CHANGE COURSE - COME TO CHICAGO AND I WILL ADOPT U AND HAVE U EATING RIGHT, EXERCISING AND LIVING RIGHT. AT THE APPROPRIATE TIME, WE CAN COMMENCE TATTOO REMOVAL TOO BECAUSE GOD KNOWS YOU GOT FIVE OR SIX OF THE MOST REGRETFUL TATTOOS KNOWN TO MAN, AT LEAST ONE (1) OF WHICH RESIDES ON YOUR UPPER LEFT BOOBY. THEY ALL NEED REMOVAL. HOW DID I GET ON THIS TANGENT. WHY AM I TYPING IN ALL CAPS. HAPPY FRIDAY YALL TURN UP πŸ€—πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚
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71727 | 1856 | 3 days ago
When u know damn well he ain't your son but u love him and take care of him anyway because u not a angel either and plus u put his mama thru hella shit so she went thru a dark phase and it's partially your fault so u ain't gon hold it against lil man but u gon hold it against his mama a lil bit and occasionally bring it up but only when the fights is real, real bad and the lil man ain't around #situationships #EverybodyFightDirtyWhenTheyHurty πŸ€—πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚
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44841 | 524 | 3 days ago
Ooh Bruh she fancy. I call her Alexandra Victoria McFloofyfluff the 14th of Strasbourg u feel me? Alexa for short. Alexa only drink coffee if it's a single origin coffee bean. Alexa got that extremely expensive soap pumper in her shower and u showering there nervous AF like "I don't see a bar of soap, all I see is this fancy shit and I'm a soapy type of dude but I'm afraid imma waste it so I gotta be hella judicious with her L'Occitane soap pumper when I'm scrubbing my PP so I don't offend her by depleting half of this $25 bottle 😫." U feel me Bruh? Alexa got a record player. Like u step out the shower and she playing a rare jazz record and u trying not to look unimpressive because u mainly only listen to Gucci Mane and 21 Savage so u like "wow this is a nice vibe ... I like ... jazz ... music" and u praying to God like "please Allah don't let her test my Jazz knowledge ion know shit about it" an she just like "yeah this is Duke [Ellington - but she just call him Duke] at CΓ΄te d'Azur. This is a rare hi fi recording. I had to fly to Paris to find this in a record store there. Worth it." And u just like "I have clearly had sex with someone 78x cooler than me idk how I got in this situation but imma mainly shut up so I don't say anything uncool and then get deleted/blocked. Imma lay this pipe with sincerity and focus and hope my uncoolness remain hidden" πŸ˜‚. Shout to u Alexa. U real fancy. I fucks with your aesthetic. Upgrade me. Have me wearing slim fit APC jeans, my body is ready (ayeeee not too slim tho - this dangalang gotta breathe ya get me! Bless up πŸ˜πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚)
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38986 | 722 | 3 days ago
(@the_mermaid_lagoon) A LIL BIT OF ADORABLE-ASS FRIDAY FEELS FOR YALL ... JUST A LIL BIT ... LIKE A CREEPY LIL SALT SPRINKLE πŸ˜πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚
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58891 | 1573 | 4 days ago
Side note (continuation from my last caption): ladies if u hook up with a man and he need to lullaby hisself to sleep with trump's voice and u ain't know that shit beforehand, u ain't gotta put him in your number. If he act like a dick to a waitress after y'all smash, u ain't gotta put him in your number. If he lay pipe and u find out he wear a fedora, vape, or listen to Nickelback, that pipe never happened. Like if u been with 28 men, u can say 27 now. Smash just pulled a Obama and pardoned u πŸ€—. That said, if any of these things happen and u smash him again, he in your number. He only get subtracted if the assholery come out AFTER y'all copulated. Btw...side note #2: IDGAF about a number. Why men so concerned about this shit Bruh. "Well I don't want the mother of my children to have banged 100 dudes." Is u kidding me Bruh? That's EXACTLY who I wanna have chirren with! She done had hella practice! She gon spin around on the dih ride it like a horse do a summersault take it to the throat and then do it again...and then go change a diaper πŸ‘Ά. U men must be out yo damn mind holding that shit against a woman - the past is the past Bruh leave it there. I still wanna have Cirque du Soleil sex after she done had all 11 of my chirren if y'all want a woman who never enjoyed sex to begin with and gon stop two weeks after the honeymoon that's on u πŸ€—. Ya get me! Bless up πŸ˜πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚
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45908 | 1659 | 4 days ago
Message from my lil homegirl this morning: "I have a question and it's a real ponderance and you seem to know a lot about these things but here goes: Why do guys think I'm more attractive when I'm angry but turn around and tell me to smile more?" Ok here go my thoughts: (1) Men are fvcked up creatures - we think women are sexy when they're angry, sad, pissed off, serious, crying, etc. Resting bitch face is usually sexy on beautiful girls. As I said here before, I find these faces so hot that I will be an asshole just to elicit these faces from a girl (and, if I'm lucky, punches, slaps, attempted headlocks, and possibly a tearful strangulation where I have to beg for my life - the crazier the better - flash my life before my eyes mama - my body is ready 😍). (2) That said, men want to be around girls who are fun, free-spirited, and irreverent. Like a serious face is sexy but if a girl is serious all the time it's not chill. Men like to be around women who are chill. Like u gotta be able to roll a joint or pack a bowl and then say some hilarious shit to set the mood. Actually the best of both worlds is dry ass humor where u say shit that make me fall over laughing but in a deadpan, deadass manner. Like I went out with this girl Bruh she said "I once went home with a guy and after we hooked up he sat up in bed, took out his laptop, and said 'I missed one of Trump's speeches today, I'm gonna watch it real quick.' I have never regretted hooking up with someone more in my entire life." No smiles. She said that shit with heartfelt regret. I COLLAPSED LAUGHING MY ASS OFF BRUH I DIED πŸ˜‚. To this day I laugh about that shit. So there u go. Keep a sexy bitch face on u and say hilarious shit and u will be bae AF. Ya get me! Bless up πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚
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43644 | 684 | 4 days ago
(@theamericanizedfrench) Finna replace all the fluffy white pillows on my bed with fluffy white polar berry puppers HOWBOW DAH πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚
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39396 | 1073 | 5 days ago
Finna adopt four female Golden Retrievers and name them Dorothy, Rose, Blanche, and Sophia ... ... the Golden Girls πŸ˜πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚
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23327 | 629 | 5 days ago
Dating profile: "Hobbies include cooking, dining on Punani, and booping all the noses of doggos and puppers...must be hygienic and want at least 11 chirren..." πŸ˜πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚
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56164 | 3060 | 5 days ago
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